Now I am a BIG ebay addict; I confess to going at work which is why I have a pile, sorry make that a big pile of earrings and other assorted things.
But sometimes there are some funky things people put up for sale and I can't believe these items made their way on a listing! I can safely safe assume item number #1 got negative feedback?
#12.
The CB-6000 Male Chastity
Contraption
Oh God, this one doesn't look good at all. That's right, it's the CB-6000
male chastity belt on sale for a Buy It Now price of $189.95. What a steal!
This horrible, horrible device just about looks like the
most uncomfortable and awkward thing that has ever been invented. The auction
claims that "This is a new, flat design that is even more comfortable and even
less noticeable than the previous popular models, "but the huge plastic dongs
staring back at us seem to differ in their opinions. Wearing one of these would
be the equivalent of getting that half-chub in english class, then having to go
up to the board and diagram sentences, but even better because it is ALWAYS
THERE.
The real climax of this auction comes when you see:
"Bonus! Free pair of Italian-designed sunglasses! See picture for listing and
colors. Specify choice of color when submitting payment!" We're assuming you
need these because you want everyone to think you look cool when they see you
walking down the street with your plastic-cock outline bulging out of your
jeans.
#11.
The World's Largest
Lite-Bright
Remember that crappy little toy with easy-to-swallow parts that you used to
get bored of at your grandparent's house? How would you like to spend 15 grand
on a huge one of those that some creepy guy spent way too much time on?
We thought so, just fax the deed to your house over to us, and we'll take
care of the rest. Possibly the most depressing part of this auction is not the
level of detail that the "artist" had to go into, but rather the handmade,
hand-painted frame and exquisite velvet backing that really accent the piece.
Thankfully, for the sake of this man's sanity, he will be featured in next
year's
Ripley's Believe It or Not!, thus assuring him a steady place in
the pantheon alongside the Lizardman and that dude who got a railroad spike
blown through his head.
#10.
E.T. Movie Character Bicycle Siren W/
Light Up Eyes
When we first came across this auction, we were shocked to see what we
thought was a severed baby head in the preview window. It turns out, however,
that it was simply a terrifying severed E.T. head.
Of all the horrible merchandise spawned from the '80s film (and
there was a lot), this has to be the most terrifying. No doubt the seller is
hoping that getting rid of the thing will banish it from their nightmares as
well. We doubt it.
Steven Spielberg spent millions of dollars trying to make that crappy puppet
look adorable, next to Drew Barrymore no less, and this toy company instead
decided to freehand a carving of an achondroplastic dwarf with a lazy eye, then
call it a day. Probably the scariest part of this toy is that when you turn it
on, the decapitated skull's eyes start glowing red, just in case you didn't know
that the object was pure evil.
#9.
Nickelback Shot Glass
This is just about the shittiest shot glass ever seen. If you were at some
bar and told the bartender "Oh no, I'd like my tequila in THIS shot glass,"
we're pretty sure you'd wake up the next morning in the hospital with one hell
of a barstool lodged up your ass. The only viable use we can see for this shot
glass is to use it to get drunk enough to forget what Nickelback is.
#8.
Chocolate Flavored Nipple Spread -
With Applicator
What goes better together than nipples and chocolate? Nipples and a knife!
Yes this nipple spread comes with a KNIFE included for spreading chocolate over
a nipple.
Now, we're not ones to pry, but should you really be buying
a product that has the warning "Never over-sharpen blade, especially if used by
those who are prone to: sneezing attacks, nervous ticks, slashing fantasies, or
DEAD DRUNK!"
Oh, and if you decide to warm the blade in the microwave before you use it,
they advise using the "scream test" to check if it's the appropriate
temperature. This is another one of those sad situations where the only people
who need the warning--psychopaths and cannibals--are also the ones least likely
to follow it.
#7.
Barack Obama- Digital Political Pop
Art
Selling art on the internets?! What an amazing idea! How about political art?
Even better! How about a crappy Photoshop manipulation of Barack Obama with some
shitty clip art orbiting his head?
WHY CAN'T WE OWN THIS!?!?!!? Oh wait, that's right, because this
douche wants to charge you $1,500 for the five minutes he spent on his computer.
The cost for his supplies and time must have been through the roof, because we
can only imagine that the $950 starting bid he began this auction with made his
profit margins razor thin.
Yes, we realize art is more than the sum of its materials. But, not in this
case. Either the items are so symbolic as to be indecipherable (though we're
pretty sure we know what the Coke symbolizes) or else it's simply a depiction of
an Obama who has collapsed on the floor in mid-snack, his skin turning blue from
oxygen deprivation, his soft drink and banana having landed near his head. He
was also just about to mail something.
To add insult to injury, as the man lay gasping on the floor, a snail has
stolen his watch.
#6.
American Raccoon Penis
Bone
Did you know that most animals other than man have an actual bone in the
penis called baculum? Well eBay seller "baculumdude" sure does, and he is very
willing to tell you about them. He also has his very own store on eBay called,
oh you guessed it, Baculum world.
Scared yet? Well, if not, you may be interested in these penis bones (also
known as mountainman toothpicks according to "dude"), as they can be used as a
conversation piece or... well we guess there's no other use for these, unless
you consider the best anniversary present ever an actual use.
This is an auction for some girl's old used breast implants. You see, Janine
apparently wants to upgrade her
boobs from what she has now to... convex, we guess. This is
probably one of the grossest auctions on eBay, considering this object was (for
more than several days) inside of the seller's body. While Janine does mention
that she has a calendar out for 2008, she refuses to show her face in the
auction--go figure. Well, at least whoever buys these can rest easy knowing that
there is little else they can do in their lives that will be creepier than
this.
Now upon first inspection of the photo for this auction, it appeared to us
that "robsue" was trying to start a bidding war for Jesus (with a Buy It Now
price of $2). In reality, what rob or sue seems to be selling is a playing card
with the Shroud of Turin on it. While we can imagine nothing more exhilarating
than getting onto the playground and trying to trade our Jesus playing card for
your best friend's Mark McGuire rookie card, the seller only ups the ante once
you read the description.
That's right, it's a genuine HOLOGRAM Jesus collectible card. Now we're not
one to call something sacrilegious, but putting the King of Kings on par with
the pack of X-men hologram cards you got in a box of Cap'n Crunch may be a
little much.
#3.
Old Playboy Magazines
Mmmm, nothing gets us going more than 40-year-old used pornography!
Fortunately these are all in good condition and still have the centerfold
intact (the seller seems to have done some extensive research into this).
The poor old guy is probably thinking, "These poor, young internet users!
Where else shall they find the pornography in these prudish times? Why, these
four crusty magazines are likely the only porn they shall ever see!"
We're afraid it's a buyer's market for porn these days, kind sir. Not only
are every one of these 1965-era naked pictures available online somewhere, for
free, but we can also get you hi-res pictures of what those models look like
in 2008. For that is the magic of the internet.
Have you ever thought to yourself, "Hey, I would really like to own the
largest nut in the world, but I'm only a millionaire!" Well, you're finally in
luck.
According to this poorly worded auction, the Seanut is the largest nut in the
world "that been register in Guinness Records." Interestingly, in his effort to
sell the item, the seller has completely forgotten to note how much the nut
looks like genitalia.
Our big problem is that for the $367,000 asking price, it's not at all clear
how big this nut is. He should have put something next to it for scale. Is it
the size of an ash tray? A bowling ball? A car? Can kids climb on it? Can we put
it in the yard and sell tickets? Can we hollow it out and live inside it? And
call it Fort Vulva?
OK, now who in their life hasn't either wanted real x-ray glasses or the
ability to become invisible? Well billwwilliams is here to finally answer your
prayers.
Now, if we are to believe this auction (and of course we want to), then the
secret to invisibility has been kept secret for thousands of years and is one of
the "best-kept secrets of the ages." But the subtitles at the beginning CLEARLY
state that this isn't a magic trick or a ninja technique.
What gives!? Who wants some crappy invisibility that ninjas don't even use?
The auction goes on to screw itself over by CLEARLY stating at the bottom and in
its description that it is to be used for "MORAL PURPOSES ONLY." What kind of
crap is that? If you're doing something moral, you sure as hell don't need to be
invisible. That's the stuff you
want people to see.
The last nail in the coffin to this potentially kickass auction is the fact
that the secret can be "digitally delivered" to you. Fuck that, if the secret of
invisibility is "digital" we're getting it off fucking BitTorrent. Then we're
hiring ourselves out as an invisible assassin, charging millions to the highest
bidder, changing the course of nations with a stroke of our invisible blade. Or
maybe just use it to sneak into girls' locker rooms.
Read more:
http://www.cracked.com/article_15836_the-12-most-awesomely-ridiculous-ebay-auctions.html#ixzz2IPEtlc4H
